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Getting to Know You
Been to any ‘Ladies Teas’ lately?
Somehow I just don’t do well at gatherings of beautifully groomed (read: no peanut butter on clothing, play dough under fingernails, or barrettes clipped randomly on the back of head and forgotten) women who talk in well- modulated voices (loud guffaws seem inappropriate here) about Topics of General Interest. I can’t help thinking about how much fun it would be to really get to know them, if only I could jump into conversations about the weather and get real answers to Questions of Particular Interest (to me, anyway).
Instead of “Where are you from?” I want to ask, “What are your pet peeves?” (People saying ‘nuculer’ instead of ‘nuclear’, or ‘reelator’ instead of ‘realtor’, for instance.)
I want to dig right in and see if we have anything in common. “Ever had a pot so dirty you threw it away rather than scrub it?” (At least once.) “What’s the longest you’ve ever waited to clean a toilet?” (Let’s start with a month on this one, then get to know each other better.) “What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever yelled at your kids?” (Shut up and answer me!) “What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever been mad at your husband for?” (Eating the last banana, I kid you not!)
Questions should elicit whoops of understanding and generate immediate kinship. That is, at least, when they don’t immediately alienate the questionee. “What’s the most embarrassing thing your child ever did in public?” (Scream, “He must be stupid! He’s gonna DIE!” about a man smoking in a pre-smoking-ban restaurant.)
“Tell me four topic buttons to push to get you up on a soap box.” (Lobotomies, Zoloft and TV for children, The book Fast Food Nation, Pro-Choice Catholics, Fractals). These are all better conversation starters than, “So, what do you do?” We could be talking for hours if I had the nerve to risk offending the other ladies who all seem to be getting along just fine without my help (and to be ever so much more mature than I).
I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy, but it would be so much fun to take a quick poll of a group to find out how many have masking-taped hems, or ever dated a real loser, or secretly hide chocolate candy in their lingerie drawers. Anyone here with a purse over five pounds? Would anyone like to join me in singing the theme song for Gilligan’s Island or Brady Bunch? Describe your most completely botched meal…the worst party you can remember…the most frustrating sales clerk experience…the craft flops you’ve tried to forget.
Anything but ‘small talk’. I’m just no good at it, and I clam up in big groups where my risky openers might not be welcome.
I really prefer to know what you’re reading, what you’re reacting to, what you hate and who you most look forward to meeting in heaven than where you bought your dress, or how many children you have. Is it just me, or are we all wishing for more interesting conversations at get-to-know-you gatherings? Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy tea, but I think my conversational style may work better in a pub than a social hall. If this sounds like your ‘cup of tea’, drop in if you’re in Lawrence, Kansas, and I’ll buy you a beer!
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